


catalyst to your own happiness

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Series: Tumblr Prompts [57]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 15:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19212583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: Magnus may have his magic back, but he wants to keep the promise he made to Maryse, and to himself, back at her shop that night after Alec's almost-proposal. Staying away from a comfort vice after centuries of indulgences is easier said than done... but not impossible, with the right support.





	catalyst to your own happiness

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: I've been thinking a lot about Magnus and alcoholism lately and I'm dying for a fic about him working to give that up and Alec helping him through it. Maybe like a post canon AU where Magnus has his magic back and him and Alec are together now?
> 
> Title from "Pumpin Blood" by NoNoNo

It’s no surprise when it comes time for a toast at the wedding that the two grooms are front and center with a champagne fluke full of bubbling liquid, clinking their glasses with impossibly large smiles before taking the first drink. Alec finishes his first and gets an immediate refill, while Magnus nurses his a little longer with smaller sips, drawing it out.

What _is_ a surprise is that when his glass is finally empty he denies his mother-in-law’s offer to top off his drink while she goes to grab another for herself.

“Something else?” Maryse asks instead, motioning toward the expansive bar selection readily available.

Magnus only shakes his head, much to Maryse and Alec’s surprise. “No,” he starts, considering his words carefully. He doesn’t want this to be a big deal… but it is. He knows it, and he’s certain they will, too. He turns slightly to address Maryse. “I meant what I said to you back at your shop that night. Magic or not, I think it’s time I take a little more responsibility for my more… _excessive_ indulgences.”

Maryse, if she’s surprised by this, has the good grace to hide it behind a carefully controlled expression that smiles softly and nods. “Well then, I’m even _more_ proud of you now than I was then. Might I suggest,” she adds quietly. “A little magic to keep that full of sparkling cider? Just to deter a night of unwanted temptations?”

Magnus laughs. “The beauty _and_ the brains of the family, I see. Now I know where Alec gets it from.” He does just that, the glass in his hand no longer empty but full of something that looks exactly like the champagne it once held - except Maryse and Alec know differently.

Maryse catches the gaze of someone across the room and gives a little wave before excusing herself from the newlyweds, leaving Alec alone with Magnus once more. Unlike his mother, Alec can’t help the look of confusion and barely masked disbelief from his expressive eyes, glancing at Magnus’ drink before looking guiltily down at what is now his third glass of champagne.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize--” Alec starts, but Magnus immediately waves a hand dismissively at the apology.

“You have nothing to apologize for. We haven’t had a lot of time to just sit and talk since… well, before everything.” There was a lot of ‘everything’ covered by that vague statement, even though only a few days passed since he broke down on the balcony and ruined Alec’s proposal dinner. “Before I got my magic back, I told Maryse that I wasn’t going to drink anymore for a little while. I never want a repeat performance of that night…” Magnus knows he doesn’t need to specify which night for Alec to know which one. “I swore I would never burden you like that again. I know I have my tolerance back with my magic but it was still quite the wake-up call, and I think I want to stick with that promise. Or try to, at least.”

Alec nods, downing the rest of his glass in one go before holding it out to Magnus. “In that case, I’ll have what you’re having.”

Magnus shakes his head with a fond smile. “Alexander, you don’t have to--”   
  
“Of course I don’t, but I want to.” It’s such a simple gesture of solidarity but to Magnus, in this moment, it means the world.

“Alright. Just know that I honestly don’t mind if you want to indulge. This is your big day, after all. You deserve to celebrate.” Magnus draws the words out, buying time for Alec to change his mind and take the easy out. Alec doesn’t.

“It’s _our_ big day,” Alec corrects him. “And all I need to celebrate is you.”

\---

Given the short notice of the wedding, they’re both only able to take a few days on such short notice for an impromptu honeymoon. Those days are surprisingly simple because they’re more than a little preoccupied with one another, a wonderful distraction from any initial cravings Maganus might have. Again, they have a glass of wine over dinner, a drink with lunch, but that’s it. No excessive indulgences. It’s almost easy when it’s just the two of them.

The true test comes when they’ve returned to New York, but it’s one Magnus passes with flying colors… at first, in fact, it almost feels _too easy_ to come back from their honeymoon and start their married life together as a new man. Maybe it’s just easier to psych himself out during such a monumental change in his life - his father is gone, he’s married, and he’s building up his client base one warlock at a time now that Lorenzo doesn’t have him on a universal Downworlder blacklist. Why not just slip this change in with the rest, while everything is already shifting and readjusting?

It goes well for a week or two until he gets particularly bad news about a sick warlock child. He first heard of her illness almost as soon as he got back to New York, and despite the fact that he immediately set to work on a particularly complicated elixir he’s currently in the middle of completing (one that took that full week of steeping and brewing and adding ingredients in _just so_ over carefully measured intervals), it isn’t fast enough. He gets word that she died at 10:03 am on a Thursday, manages to hold off the worst of the impulses until 11:29 am, and pours his first glass of whiskey at 12:14 pm. Just one glass, he tells himself… which quickly turns into two, and then three, and then he isn’t bothering with the glass any more as he takes long swallows straight from the bottle.

Magnus hears Alec come home, he hears the greeting Alec calls into the apartment that he doesn’t reply to, and in the back of his head he knows that he shouldn’t be here. He should leave before Alec sees him and realizes that he fucked up… but he can’t be bothered to care just then. He _certainly_ can’t be bothered to move. Alec walks into Magnus’ workroom to find his husband sitting on the floor next to a potion that’s hardening in the pot it was left in, two empty bottles of whiskey,  and one more nearly gone in Magnus’ hands.

The worst part of it all is that instead of numbing the pain he only feels worse. 

“What happened?” Alec asks, hesitating by the doorway. He knows better than to crowd Magnus’ space when he’s like this before getting a read on the situation, and Magnus is grateful for it even as he watches Alec’s hands twitch, eager to reach out to him.

“I wasn’t good enough to save her” Magnus says, and Alec winces.

“The warlock girl… the sick one? She didn’t-” Alec starts, but can’t bring himself to finish that sentence, already knowing the answer.

“She died. She’s dead and it’s because I didn’t do enough…  there should’ve been something I could find to speed up the process, or if I was easier to reach they would’ve asked me sooner instead of going through local warlocks first, or-”

“Hey, hey,” Alec says, taking a few steps closer and kneeling down next to him on the floor. “You did _everything_ you could. This isn’t your fault.”

Magnus shakes his head. “It is. And so is this,” he adds, half-heartedly lifting up the bottle in his hand. “Looks like I’m 2 for 2 in ruining everything that actually matters in my life right now. Careful, darling, or you’ll be next.” He knows his words have a slight slur to them but neither of them acknowledge it out loud. Alec doesn’t have to, the concern on his face speaks volumes.

Magnus wants to quit. He wants to take this as a clear sign that the sober life isn’t meant for him; he isn’t the sort of person who can just _change_ himself after 400 years, so he should just admit defeat and move on. He almost does, expecting to look up into Alec’s face and see nothing but disappointment. It’ll be the final straw to make up his mind…

...but when he finally raises his eyes to meet Alec’s he _doesn’t_ see disappointment, or anger, or even sadness. What he sees instead is resolve as his husband says, “I don’t believe that. And I don't think you do, either.”

 _Easy for you to say_ , Magnus thinks, and he almost says those words out loud before he stops and really considers them. Is it easy for Alec? How could it be, to watch the man he loves struggle and fall apart? To know Magnus is doing his damndest to push Alec away?  This isn’t easy for Alec, either, even if he isn’t the one with the problem.

“You’re right. I’m not-- of course I’m not thinking clearly right now.” Magnus can’t tell if he truly believes it or if he’s only saying what he knows Alec wants to hear. Either way it has the desired effect.

“How about we take a nice, long bath and go to bed early? We can sort out the rest in the morning.” Alec asks, and Magnus nods. There are no simple answers today. No solutions. He can’t undo what he did but he can pick himself up off of the floor - quite literally - and try to piece things back together. It isn’t the easy option and it’s the last thing he wants to do just then but when Alec reaches out a hand to him Magnus takes it.

He wants to give up, but he doesn’t. Not today.  

\---

With Alec gone all day and Magnus with little to do outside of the occasional client, the drink cart situated in the corner of the room is more than a little tempting. He does well while Alec is around to see… but when his husband isn’t around Magnus starts to sneak a drink, or two, or three. It’s more habit than anything else and he hardly realizes he’s doing it until he has to make the effort to _not_ do it around Alec.

It barely makes a difference - his tolerance is back to what it was before, and with his magic he barely feels anything under 4 or 5 drinks. Magnus certainly doesn’t think Alec notices until he comes home from visiting Raphael one night to hear the tail-end of a conversation Alec is having on the phone.

“I know. And I’m sure it isn’t a big deal, I just… I’m worried he’ll take it the wrong way.” Alec pauses, not hearing Magnus step inside and close the door gently behind him. “Of course you’re right, mom. It’s better I bring it up sooner rather than later. I just want to be there for him, after all, and--” Magnus places his bag down on the table, something inside clinking around enough to finally Alert Alec to his presence. Alec’s head whips around, eyes wide at the realization.

“I gotta go. Talk to you later.” Alec says before hurriedly hanging up the phone.

“And how is Maryse?” Magnus asks, eyeing Alec curiously.

Alec frowns. “How much of that did you hear?”  

“Enough to know you’re worried about telling me something - which shouldn’t even be an emotion that crosses your mind, dear. This is _us_ we’re talking about, after all.” Magnus smiles, and it only wavers the slightest bit in anticipation which threatens to betray the total confidence his words exude. “What’s wrong?”

“Well…” Alec starts slowly, and there’s no denying the anxiousness in _his_ voice, the implication of worry behind the long pause as he seems to debate just how _much_ of what’s wrong he plans on actually sharing now that he’s put on the spot. “You’ve been drinking.”

Magnus frowns and does what he does best - tries to spin the truth, a skill he picked up and finely honed over centuries of dealing with Seelies. “Of course I have. You know I have a glass or two when we-”

“No,” Alec cuts him off, before the cover can go on for too long and they both decide it’s just easier to pretend it’s the truth. Magnus thinks for a brief moment that he isn’t sure he’s ever seen his husband look quite so nervous before, which is a concerning realization considering the sorts of situations he’s seen Alexander face.

Alec walks over to the drink cart, picks up a bottle, and grabs the stele out of his pocket to wave over one of the sides. A line appears that wasn’t visible before... a line that’s over a full inch above where the current level of liquor sits.

Rage flares up in Magnus, eyes narrowing.  

“You _marked_ my bottles?!  You actually - I _cannot believe_ you have such little trust in me you would go behind my back like this.” His words grow louder with every syllable, voice shaking, eyes wide. He’s on the defensive, words biting and sharp, and even though he sees the cringe on Alec’s face and the pain in Alec’s eyes the moment Magnus snaps out that first statement he doesn’t stop. “Have you been following me, too? Paying off waitresses to tell you how many martinis I ordered at lunch with Catarina?”

“Magnus, I just want to help. I can’t help if I don’t know that you're having a problem-”

“Oh, so now you think I have a problem, too?”

“That isn’t what I meant and you know it,” Alec snaps back this time. It should be enough to give Magnus a moment of pause but it isn’t. He feels too much like a wild animal backed into a corner, with nothing but the instinctive need to fight his way free. Before he can push back Alec continues, not backing off this time. “ _You_ told me this was something you wanted to do. I only want to help you if you’re having a difficult time with it. The groups I talked with to help Izzy with her addiction, they deal a lot with alcohol addiction, too. They said marking the bottles--”

“I know _why_ you marked the goddamn bottles, Alec. I’ve been around for centuries, you think I don’t know what AA is?” Magnus rolls his eyes. Up until now he’s told himself he doesn’t really have a problem. He’s doing this because he wants to, not because he has to. Certainly not because anyone else believes he _should_ be doing it. He actually had himself convinced that his husband was just going along with it for his own sake after Alec’s initial reaction at the wedding… he never stopped to consider that Alec might _actually_ think he has a problem worth worrying about, too.

“I just want to be here for you,” Alec tries again, echoing the words he spoke to his mother on the phone. “And if you actually thought this was okay you wouldn’t have tried to hide it.”

Magnus turns away, seemingly in anger but mostly because he doesn’t think he can see the hurt and confusion in Alec’s eyes and remain as stubbornly upset over this as he wants to be.

“I can’t do this right now,” Magnus says finally, grabbing his bag back off of the table before heading for the door. “I’ll be back later. Don’t wait up.”

“Magnus, wait-” Alec starts, but it’s too late. Magnus is out the door without so much as a stutter in his step, and doesn’t stop until he’s cleared the block. He knows it isn’t fair to Alec - he’s only trying to help, and in fact, Alec went above and beyond in that department. But Magnus feels blindsided and backed into a corner by the sudden confrontation, and he’s panicking, and now he’s aimlessly wandering the streets of New York with nowhere to go and nothing to do.

So he walks, pointedly ignoring the buzzing of his phone in his pocket. He doesn’t go to Cat because he knows that she’ll agree with Alec. He fears the same for Maryse and Isabelle (both of whom Alec surely spoke to already), and Raphael is out of town. So instead he wanders without a destination, and he thinks. He could just change his mind and take it back. He tried, he failed, and he’s fine going back to the way things were before.

...isn’t he?

The moment he considers that option he knows it’s a lie. The time he spent sober, not relying on alcohol as a crutch or as something to numb the difficult days, was some of the most fulfilling time he’s had in recent years. Maybe he doesn’t want to quit forever but he can’t give in now, not while his motivations are still suspect.

Alec is right: he wouldn’t be hiding it if he thought what he’s doing is okay. That should’ve been his first sign that he isn’t as alright as he’s pretending to be.

Magnus finally pulls his phone out to call Alec, only to see a number of missed calls and texts from Catarina and Raphael as well.

 **Cat:** Where are you? Alec’s worried sick, he thought you’d be here but I told him you weren’t, and now we’re _both_ worried. Call one of us, please.

 **Raphael:** I don’t know how your husband got my number but if he’s upset enough to call me I feel like I should be concerned. Are you alright? Call me, por favor.

Magnus texts them both back that he’s fine and he’ll talk to them later before calling Alec’s cell. Alec picks up before the first ring even finishes.

“Magnus, thank the Angel. I’m so sorry-”

“Alec, don’t. Please don’t apologize - you have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who should be apologizing,”  Magnus sighs. “I’m coming home.”

Magnus is dreading the conversation he knows he’ll have to have when he gets back, so he walks slowly and gathers his thoughts. When he finally opens up the front door of the apartment he sees Alec on the sofa trying _very hard_ to look like he hasn’t just been sitting there, waiting. There’s a book open next to him as well as  a cup of tea that’s long since gone cold.

“Sorry I worried you,” Magnus starts, figuring it’s as good a place as any.

“It’s alright, as long as you’re alright.” Alec says, eagerly tossing the book to the side. “...you are, aren’t you?”

“I didn’t go drink a bottle of whiskey and pass out in a gutter somewhere, if that’s what you’re asking.” Magnus declares, deflecting.

“That isn’t what I-” Alec starts, and Magnus can already feel this turning into the conversation from earlier all over again, defensive and hostile.

“I know, I know it isn’t. Sorry, I shouldn’t joke about it like that. I just don’t know how to do this? I can’t tell when I only feel like I want it, or when I feel like I _need_ it. And I know with my powers back I could drink for hours and be fine, but that doesn’t mean I should. And I’m just having a difficult time reconciling those things.”

Alec listens. “I get it. I mean, I don’t _get_ it, obviously. I just want to do whatever’s best for you. You said this was something you wanted to do, and I want to be here in whatever capacity I can if it is. But if it isn’t…” Alec trails off. It isn’t like it’s been a huge problem outside of those days without his magic prior to Alec’s attempted proposal.

But one look at him and Magnus can tell that Alec is reluctant to say he’ll support Magnus if he decides to go back on  everything he said before… but Alec also doesn’t want to push him if he doesn’t want this anymore. And since Alec isn’t about to force him, the decision rests in Magnus’ hands now.

The weight of that isn’t lost on the Warlock, who falls silent for a long while after Alec’s words trail off, thinking them over.

“How about we start with full disclosure? Maybe trying to cut it all out at once was a bad idea. But I won’t hide anything any more, and we can take things from there?” Magnus takes a deep breath. “And no more pushing you away.”

Alec smiles, soft with a hint of sadness, and nods. “That sounds like an amazing plan. And I’m sorry for going behind your back with the bottles. I should’ve just said something to you first. I guess we both don’t really know how to do this… but we’ll figure it out. Together.”

And that’s all it takes for something so terrifying, something so monumental for the both of them to tackle, to feel entirely doable.

Because they’re doing it together.

\--------------

It soon becomes obvious that it isn’t how much he’s drinking, or even what he’s drinking - it’s the _reason_ behind it, the emotional state that brings the urges about. Magnus is fine to have a drink or two with friends, or with Alec over meals, without the slightest bit of guilt. It helps to ease him into cutting back before cutting off entirely, since the all-or-nothing attempts weren't working out.

What he  _can’t_ have is the drink cart in the apartment fully stocked with all of his go-to vices for days when the weight of the world feels a little too heavy. And what he can’t do is turn to that before he turns to a friend when things go wrong.

It’s easier said than done, but he does it just the same. He isn’t perfect, but Alec is there every step of the way to bring him back when he starts to slip. There are bumps in the road and nights out that, because he spent so long abstaining in-between, he indulges a little too much… but he’s finding a balance. He’s finding things that work for him because he wants to, and not because he feels pressured to by anyone for any reason other than simply getting better. 

The more Magnus allows himself to go to Alec  - or even Maryse, Catarina, or Raphael - when he’s having a particularly rough go of it, the easier it is to end that day on a positive note. That isn’t to say he doesn’t have some days that are worse than others; days when Alec comes home and Magnus admits he went out for a few too many drinks with an old friend and somewhere along the line started putting gin in the ‘just tonic’s. But it’s better than the start, and he’s making solid progress.

The first few times Isabelle invites him along to a meeting he turns her down. But after one particularly trying day when he finds himself pacing, actively trying to talk himself out of portaling to the nearest bar, he calls her up instead. It seems silly to talk about his life in mundane terms, and to think of it as a disease to be cured and not just a personality trait to be corrected. He doesn’t go often but it’s nice to hear from people who are going through the same thing.

It helps.

He takes up training with Alec to channel his frustrations. That helps, too… as does another _less public_ form of stress relief Alec is more than happy to indulge in when Magnus needs a distraction.

Magnus hardly notices when he starts cutting back from casual social drinking as well, only imbibing once or twice a week until he isn’t even doing that. He reaches a point where he no longer feels as if he needs it- but more than that, he doesn't even _want_ it any more.

After an entire month without touching a single drop of alcohol Magnus comes home to dinner and a glass of sparkling cider on the table waiting for him.

“I thought this deserved a toast. I hope it’s alright, I know you didn’t say anything about it earlier so I’m not sure if you wanted to celebrate or not, but I know a full month is a pretty big milestone, and-” Alec starts to ramble a bit, and Magnus silences him with a finger brought up to Alec’s lips, followed quickly by a kiss.

“It’s fine. It’s perfect, Alexander. Thank you.” Magnus picks up his glass and waits for Alec to do the same. “To you, and all the unwavering love and support you’ve offered from the start.” Mangus says the words, moving his glass forward to meet Alec’s with a delicate ‘clink’.

“And to you” Alec adds. “For making this difficult decision for yourself and sticking to it. I’m so proud of you, Magnus.”

“Thank you. For everything,” Magnus smiles.

He knows better than to think one month means he’s rid of it for good, but Magnus allows himself this night to bask in the feeling of this current victory, even if it ends up being temporary.

Because this - despite what he’s sure they all believe - isn’t the first time he’s attempted to quit drinking. This is, however, the longest he’s managed to stick with it. There were times in his past - whether out of a loss of a loved one, or the loss of love itself, or sometimes just the weight of the things he’s seen and the horrors he’s lived through - where he’s gone too far even _with_ his warlock tolerance to balance things out. He’s tried on his own to stop drinking in the past, obviously with little to no success given the recent state of things.

He doesn’t tell Alec all of that, however. If this fails - if _he_ fails - he wants it to seem as if this is just a first attempt and not just another in a long line of broken promises to himself to get better.

Except this time he has something he didn’t have during any of those previous attempts. This time he has friends and family to support him; he has people to lean on.

This time he has Alexander.

And with Alec by his side he feels like he can take on the world, one glass of sparkling cider at a time.

**Author's Note:**

> ( Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


End file.
